8 Myths About Polyamorous Partners, Because We Aren’t Wanting To Substitute Both

I
arrived as poly
this year, after over six several years of training numerous types of
honest non-monogamy
around ill-advised stints of monogamy i might agree to whenever I had been swooning with brand-new union electricity. Since then, I’ve been much better about remaining genuine to myself personally (at the least about poly), and it is repaid — we currently have three wonderful, strong connections. I’m available about getting poly the same way that I always been open about getting queer: whether or not it appears obviously, I share, otherwise, I do not.

Because we live in a culture where mentioning your partner in small talk is the norm, it comes down up more often than not. Often once i have mentioned a “boyfriend” and a “girlfriend” to the same person, they’re going to look perplexed or downright ask, and I also always supply an easy and short explanation that I’m poly and also multiple long-term lovers. In addition to the “huh?!” take a look I get from some people, the questions they ask in addition to responses they’ve indicate some very bizarre some ideas about poly lovers.

A lot of the urban myths about poly couples tend to be grounded on
myths about polyamory
itself — like that
its exactly about the gender
which
polyamory is unnatural
— but there are some added urban myths encompassing couplehood that do not show up for solo poly folk. Some of those fables are genuinely damaging, and others are only annoying, but comprehending the reality to their rear is important
whether or not you are mono or poly
. But very first, investigate latest bout of Bustle’s sex and interactions podcast “i’d like It That Way”:

Myth #1: Whether Or Not It’s An M/F Few, It Was The Guy That Forced For An Open Union

Because we are taught to genuinely believe that males always desire sex and this women aren’t down for wet fun — also because folk equate “poly” with “sex” — men and women instantly believe that guys are always the ones to force for an open union whether it’s man-woman couple. Turns out however,
women are doubly probably as males
to suggest an unbarred relationship, which squares with my experience: I’ve for ages been the person to require it.

Myth # 2: If Discover Many Partners, There Is Certainly A “Genuine” One

Even though i will be element of three various “couple” agreements, the only one that people treat just like the “real” one is my personal connection with my male companion. Countless this goes back to heteronormativity, and the idea that lesbians cannot have “real” intercourse, and is partly because we occur to live with each other. For poly couples, all of their relationships tend to be genuine — regardless of who they accept or whatever they’re packin’ downstairs.

Myth number 3: We Should End Up Being Unicorn Hunters

Since I have began managing one of my personal partners, the continual expectation usually
he and that I are unicorn looking
— definitely, searching for a ”
hot for a bi
” to “finish” the “family.” Blech, no thank you. Although this specifically plagues right lovers, loads of queer poly couples face this myth, too. It makes sense exactly why — lot of lovers undergo a unicorn hunting period
when they first open
— but the majority veteran poly folk know better.

Myth # 4: Having A Nesting Lover Implies You Practice Hierarchical Poly

Because I live with one of my lovers, folks automatically assume that
he’s my primary spouse
— this is certainly, that I hold him and the relationship above other individuals, which means, always, that any kind of my
additional interactions can be “supplementary.”
Supplementary lovers in many cases are put in the place of experiencing their thoughts and requirements dismissed or deemed unimportant, and have now little or no control over the problem. While some poly partners do rehearse hierarchical poly, plenty of us never, and give consideration to our very own interactions equal in relevance. It’d be fantastic to
see OkCupid recognize that
, too.

Myth # 5: We “Show” All Of Our Associates

First: men and women are not things becoming shared. Course. But also, no. Not everyone who’s poly is bi, and my associates and that I have very various flavor in individuals, typically. Often there is some overlap, because poly communities tend to be fairly small, and quite often, after performers magically align, a triad situation actually does occur — but discussing

all

in our partners? Not a thing for the majority of poly people, except the unicorn-hunting kinds.

Myth no. 6: We’ren’t Serious/Committed to one another

Have a look, my personal nesting companion and that I are going to have already been collectively for 5 many years come Halloween, my girl and I currently together over six many years, and my various other sweetheart and that I have now been collectively about two. We’ve got differing quantities of entanglement, but I discussed cross-country tactics with two of all of them when preparing for grad school. If that’s perhaps not devotion, I am not sure understanding. Poly men and women are just like mono folks in that admiration: some wish marriage and infants (
or have them
), some prefer the bar world and informal flings.

Myth number 7: It Is Simply A Phase

Some parents tend to be especially fond of the theory that poly partners will grow from it and settle-down eventually, or that their child will alter their particular head when they meet the “right person.” Privately, I

have

met the right person — there is only one or more of these — and that I’ve never ever had any motives of “deciding down,” in any event. But
lots of poly men and women settle-down
, cohabitate,
have actually individuals, and remain poly
for your long haul.

Myth #8: We Are Wanting To Exchange Each Other

Obviously the sole cause any person would accept end up being poly is if they are not pleased together anymore, plus they are trying to painlessly and seamlessly move on to a unique relationship, right? While that does occur, i could state with certainty that I can never imagine trying to replace any kind of my personal partners — section of becoming poly is actually recognizing that people aren’t similar.

Photos: Author’s own; Giphy